There are a few good memories about mom. When I could drive, I took my sister and we would go see Grandma Elsie and her. Mom would be in the kitchen of the old farmhouse smoking, drinking ice coffee, and listening to her radio. If she took her medication, she could be okay. Problem was that she at times did not feel she needed it. During those times she usually ended up in the hospital for awhile.
Mom played saxophone in the high school band. So, every once in a while she would surprise us and play. If she knew we were coming, she would practice a song or two on her alto sax. She also had this child electric organ. It was plastic. She had music books that went with it and sometimes she would play. Never both in the same visit. My daughter can play piano and is an amazing classical saxophonist (playing soprano, alto, and tenor) and a music performance and education double major. This makes me wonder what Mom could have done if she did not have schizophrenia to deal with.
Goulash was Mom’s one dish. The mood to cook for us would hit her once in awhile too. She showed me how it was made. Grandma’s canned tomatoes, hamburger, elbow macaroni, and American cheese melted in. Mom cooked it all on top of the shove. I still make it. It is one of my son’s favorite dishes.
I remember her drinking beer when I was about four or five. I did not see this as a good thing at the time when she did it. She thought it to be funny. She had a can of beer and asked me if I wanted a taste. I said yes. The most horrible thing I ever tasted. I still do not like beer. Thank you Mom.
The other thing she did had to do with her schizophrenia. She could watch TV. She could listen to radio. Mom said when she watched TV she thought they were talking to her. I never saw her watch TV. She was diligent with that. This helped me from roughly 1993-1997. However, my problem was music mostly. I quit listening to it. I could listen to country a bit and Christian at that time. I could not listen to rock and roll and pop music. As far as TV, if I picked the station it was a comedy. I could not watch anything serious or violent. Mom did not know it but she gave me some skills to use when I needed to. I was slowly able to get back to my normal music and TV. I did take medication for a few years to numb the heightened emotions I was experiencing. That was temporary and it has been about fifteen years since I have taken that type of medication. My issue was different that Mom’s and had more to do with traumas being opened up by a current experience at the time.
Mom died in 2004. I buried her by my dad. It was the only thing she ever asked of me. She wanted to be buried by him. She, with the influence of her family, had filed for divorce before dad died. No one ever told it had went through. The last nursing home she was in her caseworker found the information and told her. She did not care and wanted to be buried by him. I knew the man my dad was, and he would be fine with it.
My poetry has been my therapy over the years. In 1993, an unusual traumatic event occurred with me. Poetry over the years has been my sorting out process. I have always had a strong spiritual nature balanced by strong doubt. During period of tremendous confusion, my poetry (sometimes more like stories my son thinks) helped me remember who I am, how I feel, and what I think and always have from a child. The theme I hope comes through is that we should not have our heads too far into the clouds or too deeply into the dirt. Life lives as balance somewhere in the middle with little visits to both edges. All 56 years of my life I have lived in Michigan. I was born in Kalamazoo September 16, 1958. My parents separated when I was young do to my mother’s mental illness. Dad died in 1965 at 29 from a cerebral hemorrhage. I was 6 when he passed. Grandma Peggy (my dad’s mother) went to court 7 times in a year and a half to fight for my younger sister (Kim who was mentally impaired) and me, because my dad had asked her too. She won custody of us. So, I lived with her in Bangor, Michigan through high school and college. I didn’t begin to write poetry until I went to live with my aunt (my mother’s sister) in Wartervliet, Michigan while attending Lake Michigan College in Benton Harbor. My aunt lived near my mother and her mother (my Grandma Elsie). After 2 years there, I attended Western Michigan University in Kalamazoo. I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts major in English and minor in Elementary Education. Right out of college fall of 1984 I was hired at St. Mary’s in Paw Paw, Michigan as a kindergarten teacher. I taught kindergarten for 1 year half days and was moved into a full-time first grade position for three years. I met my husband Gary during that time. On October 17, 1987, we married and I moved to Fennville, Michigan where I still live. Gary and I have a son age 24 and a daughter age 19.
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